So, I when I heard from SheKnows Media that I had an actual award coming for the BlogHer15 Voices of the Year, I expected a certificate. Which would have been cool. I would have filed it in my slim, but not empty, “Awards” folder, smiled, felt grateful, and then closed the drawer.
Instead, I received a package the other day. And it was kind of heavy. Inside was a fancy velvet box (super soft!) with a pretty ribbon tied in a bow. I half-wondered if it had been sent to the wrong address, but I opened the box and yup, there was my name (spelled correctly, no less!) on a sleek, round definitely-award-looking glass item. I picked it up, turned it around, weighed it in my hand, and said, “Huh.” The kids were more impressed with the fancy box than the award.
The only other tangible, non-paper award I’ve received was a generic “drama award” my high school gave out to the people who hadn’t received any other awards during their years before graduation. I still have it at my parents’ house. The little gold man has a birthday ribbon around his neck. It has my name (spelled incorrectly), but no reason for the award. Just “Theater Award” etched on. It was for those of us who did all the grunt work (oh the inseams I measured!) and didn’t get to take bows at the end of the show. It was an after-thought. And I knew it. In fact, I’d skipped the Senior Awards Night to work extra hours at Friendly’s, so I shouldn’t complain.
So this SheKnows/BlogHer/VOTY award is kind of my first real award. Which is pretty fun at 45 years old. The problem is, it’s for a post that’s more than 18 months old. And I haven’t been writing much. And I don’t feel like writing much. I’m distracted and unfocused and kind of done with sharing. So the award feels hollow and fake an undeserved. We’re supposed to always grow and get better, stronger, more perfect, right?
So for now, this first tangible award of mine sits on the mantle (that’s where awards go, yes?) next to a paper mache turtle and a peacock-monster-dragon thing. It looks good there. And maybe seeing it up there with my kids’ creations will inspire new creations of my own.