Honey, Where’s the Plunger?

My arm was up to the bicep in the toilet bowl and down the pipe.  It was my kid’s first time in the new, fancy bathroom, and she thought that people who use new, fancy bathrooms also use a lot of toilet paper.

I’ll be damned if I’m shelling out any more cash on this room for defecating and washing up. The plunger was nowhere to be found. I did look, and I even called my husband to find out if he knew where it was.  No, everything was rearranged because of the construction.

So, faced with a too-full toilet clogged with the flowing arms of a toilet paper jellyfish around a solid center, I barely thought twice before rolling up my sleeve and sinking my hand deeper and deeper into the coolness of the fancy toilet.

The first try didn’t work. I was too gentle in my manipulation of the obstruction.  We all watched (because yes, both kids needed to see how this was done) as the water rose higher and higher after the flush.  The little one had her hands to her mouth, fearful and excited, as she waited to see if it would overflow.

I did not put my hands to my mouth.  I watched through slitted eyelids, daring the water and its contents to waterfall onto my gorgeous new tiles.  Several potty-mouthed phrases ran through my mind, but they receded with the water, lowering slowly into the bowl.  Try, try again.

This time, I left no prisoners.  My hand dove into the bowl, determined to claim a prize. Found, caught, eliminated. The kids cheered as the second flush downed the bowlful of water in one thirsty gulp.  Satisfaction. Relief. Contentment. A job well done.

It was only afterwards that I realized that perhaps that had been the kind of situation that called for the box of powder-free latex gloves we keep in the linen closet.

PSA: In this uncharacteristically short post, I didn’t go for the sensory images I have burned into my memory. Touch can be so visceral, and I don’t want to do that to you. You’re welcome.  So, for your viewing pleasure, please watch my favorite scene from Trainspotting.

Hanging out at at Yeah Write again this week. Check it out, and consider joining us.

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About That Unique* Weblog

Adjusting to the car culture, dealing with leaving a career I love, and spouting off along the way.
This entry was posted in Parenthood, Suburban Life, yeah write and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Honey, Where’s the Plunger?

  1. Oh, God, I can’t believe you mentioned Trainspotting. I still have flashbacks!

    Great piece. Literally, cannot believe that s$%^ happened in your shiny new bathroom already, but that’s what happens. Congrats on the new bathroom! Erin

  2. ahhh….the things we do for love and plumbing. and oh lord the things that i’ve fished out from my kids’ bathroom toilet. legos, mostly. may i suggest for future reference: an untwisted wire hanger works beautifully for those sodden bouquets of toilet paper jammed into the pipes. yes, this is the voice of experience you hear.

  3. Erica M says:

    What is it with kids and the half-roll of toilet paper?

  4. Ah, Gag! I can’t believe you shoved your arm down the toilet!!
    For what it’s worth, before we moved into our new house we redid our bathroom. My hubby did research to find a toilet that “could handle multiple flushes and a guys business”. I’d suggest moving the gloves to above the toilet but then I’d worry that the kids would flush those too!

  5. Kerstin says:

    Well, as a certified plumber myself, being married to a plumber and coming from a family of plumbers I have to tell you that your new toilet probably does not have a good MAP score. That’s what it’s called in Canada at least, I don’t know if that’s what they call it in the States.
    If you have a good toilet, it has a MAP score of 1000 (at least 800 or higher), which means it can flush 150′ of toilet paper (plus what ever else is in there).
    If you have a toilet with a MAP score of 300, which is common, then you better do a “flush in between”, if you know what I mean 😉
    Other than that – hi hi hi, you definitely had me giggle and I had a pretty clear visual 😉

    • I don’t know what the MAP score is, but I do know that something was loopy with the pipes, which is why my new toilet couldn’t be moved to the opposite side of the room to allow my shower to be where the toilet was…it’s pretty much the makings of #FirstWorldProblems. The TP gods will have to intervene if my daughter ever decides to use 150′ of toilet paper. Oy vey!

  6. sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms says:

    Gak! I’m now going to make you feel better. Are you rolling your eyes and thinking “Impossible!” Buckle up.
    A family member was redoing her second floor master bathroom. Her TEENAGE son used the toilet for number 2 when the pipe in the basement WAS NOT CONNECTED TO THE SEPTIC. Copious excrement and water through the finished basement ceiling and down the wall. She finally got out of her fetal position last week. 🙂 Ellen

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